snowtop | 003. (v2) [video]

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003. (v2) [video]

[At first, there is no sound; there is only the image of Xanth's forearm. Lines of letters curl around his fingers, twist around his hand, and spiral onto his arm. The ink, jet black, is stark against his pale skin.]

Th-this-- it means I-I've been-- t-too quiet, right? I-It... it wants me to-- t-to say... s-something.

[It's been a while since he's checked in, made sure people knew he hadn't vanished, but there is nothing to say.

The feed remains set on Xanth's arm.]

I'm... o-okay. I'm s--still here.

A-Are... are you guys... o-okay, too?

[He heard that crack some days ago. No one has called for help on the journals, so no one was hurt in the expedition that came after, and no one had been hurt during the initial bang.

Or so he hopes.]

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[That is a very clear go wash up look, so, sheepishly, he does. He pushes back his sleeves, the turns the water on to slightly more than a trickle.

A minute or two of scrubbing and the ink is washed away. Xanth's arm is good as new and, as far as he can tell, no worse for wear because of the ink. But he wonders if it's truly as benign a warning mechanism as a spit of water to the face.

Xanth shakes his arm off, then goes to the closet and grabs a towel to dry off. He's kept those hung up, at least - if only because he hasn't been using them. When finished, he hangs it up again and then looks to Kairi, a crooked smile on his face.]

B--Better?

Hmmm...

[She only pretends to consider as she continues to peel the orange with a thumb, but quickly finds herself actually thinking the question over.

She grins.]

Well, you'll need a haircut soon, but for now I think you're okay.

[Xanth reaches up and pinches a strand of hair. Or, well, it's actually more like several strands, as greasy hair tends to stick together.

Then he drops his hand, brushes it against his pant leg.]

Y-Yeah, it's, um, this is-- l-longer than I've h-had it in... y-years.

[He goes to sit next to Kairi, careful not to jostle her or her lapful of oranges.]

Well,

[She's still grinning, and hands Xanth the half-peeled orange.]

If you like it, you could do something with it.

[Trying very hard not to giggle.]

Like braids.

[Xanth takes the orange from her and continues the peeling process.]

W-Well, I, I-I don't-- know if it's th-that long, yet...

[He gives his head a brisk shake and his bangs fall over his eyes. His smile goes sheepish and slightly unsure.]

Um. O-Or, maybe, y-yeah.

Heh,

[Leaning sideways, she bumps him gently with her shoulder.]

Just kidding.

Are... You okay?

[His smile grows wider at the shoulder-bump, but then disappears entirely at her question. For a few seconds, Xanth doesn't reply; he just peels his orange.

Then, honestly:]

I... I-I don't know. I, I-I should be, i-it was-- w-weeks ago, b-but...

[He trails off, biting his lip.]

Oh...

[She had thought maybe he'd lost a friend. Well, he had lost a friend, hadn't he? She was the one who had insisted that he and Riku were friends. Still, she hadn't guess that it was this that was upsetting him.

And part of her wasn't really willing to talk about it. It had been awful. But Riku was back. That was all that mattered.]

I didn't know. I should have talked to you about it.

I'm sorry.

[Xanth shrugs one shoulder.]

N-No, it's, i-it's not... your f--fault. D-Don't... don't worry.

[His issues were not Kairi's problems. In fact, he would rather not speak of them at all, but she is so hard to lie to. And weeks of solitude hadn't helped, so maybe talking would?

But not to Kairi. No. She couldn't know that Xanth, not the sickness, had taken Riku's life.]

[But she does worry.

Because Riku had said that Varric had changed.

And Riku had been infected too.]

Xanth? What happened?

[She should never have left.]

Did he hurt you?

[Xanth drops his head with a small, mirthless laugh.]

N-No, no, he... h-he didn't. H-He was... w-way too... sick t--to do anything.

[Xanth has stopped peeling his orange. Instead, he absentmindedly tears at what rind he has peeled.]

[He laughed. That isn't funny. She can't understand.]

I should have stayed with him.

[When he was so sick and hurting.]

I should have been there...

[When he died.]

[Xanth cringes.]

N-No, it's...

[Death is ugly. There's blood, seizing, choking breaths, and their eyes... Xanth will not forget the sight of Riku's dead eyes. No matter Riku's cause of death, Xanth is glad that Kairi didn't see it.

Now, he swallows hard.]

H-He wasn't... he... w-wasn't a-- alone. I-I was-- I... I-I s--stayed with him.

Maybe, I could have helped.

[She doesn't really believe it. And she doesn't know which she likes less, that she could and did nothing, or that she was helpless yet again.]

Did it hurt him?

[She would regret asking. She needs to know.]

[Xanth's throat tightens.]

Y...Yeah.

I-I don't... I don't know if-- i-if he... r-remembers. He was... h-he... he was r-really, really s--sick...

[Her hands clench into fists in her knees and she stares down at them.]

I know.

[He was dying.]

Xanth? Thanks.

[Xanth shakes his head.]

D-Don't, don't thank me. [His voice cracks; the guilt is nigh overwhelming.] Don't. I--I-I didn't-- do a-anything worth-- w-worth thanking me f--for.

[She looks up at him, confusion written all over her face. Did she say something wrong?]

You stayed.

[Which was more than she'd done.]

You were there when... He needed you.

K-Kairi, I... I...

[Xanth is not yet crying, but there's a lump in his throat and his eyes prickle. He takes in a shudderimg breath, and then his voice drops to a whisper.]

I-I k...k-killed him.

[She looks away, nods.]

I wondered.

[Her voice is as soft as his, and thick. But she cried so much in quarantine. She's past the point of tears.]

Why?

[There's no anger, no judgment. Her middle feels like it's taken a blow from a pillow rather than a solid fist that steals her breath away. She's felt the latter before. Why is this different?

Is it because she'd already thought about it? Already cried? Already wrung out her anger and fear while trapped alone waiting to see if she too had caught the disease?

She doesn't know.

But still, it feels like an important question. She feels like she should know.]

He-- h-he was-- he was sick, h-he was-- d-dying, he... he thought... he th-thought he'd-- turn or, or s-something...

[Xanth sweeps his hair behind his ear, but it all falls back into his face. He doesn't move it again.]

S-So he... he... he a--asked me to. A-And I... I--I... did.

[Kairi's fists twitch where they still sit, clenched in her knees. She can't thank him again. She'll only upset him. She can't thank him, not for killing her friend. But she can't let him hurt like this. Not when Riku asked him to. Not when Riku needed him to and she couldn't.

She couldn't have done it. She couldn't have done anything. And so it had to be Xanth.

Without word or warning, she leaned sideways to hug him. Oranges tumbled from her lap and rolled across the floor.]

I'm sorry.

Wh-- what?

[Xanth pulls away and finally, finally, looks Kairi in the eyes.]

N-No, I, I--I k-killed Riku, a-and you're-- y-you're ap--pologizing to-- to me?

He was dying.

[It hurts to say it. But she doesn't look away.]

You had to.

[Riku had asked him too.]

I couldn't.

[And he had known. It was why he hadn't asked her.]

I couldn't have done it. I couldn't have fought him even if I was strong enough. He's my best friend. I'm supposed to be there for him and I couldn't.

[She's supposed to be their light. And she couldn't do anything.]

So you had to.

And I'm sorry, Xanth.

[Kairi was right. Every word that came out of her mouth was absolutely right. Kairi couldn't have done it; Ironhide couldn't have done it; it had to be Xanth. And Xanth knows this, he's thought long and hard and he knows this, but it still feels wrong.

Xanth sets the orange and its scraps aside, then leans forward and puts his head in his hands.]

B-But it's not... i-it's not your f-fault...

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