snowtop | 003. (v2) [video]

Entry tags:

003. (v2) [video]

[At first, there is no sound; there is only the image of Xanth's forearm. Lines of letters curl around his fingers, twist around his hand, and spiral onto his arm. The ink, jet black, is stark against his pale skin.]

Th-this-- it means I-I've been-- t-too quiet, right? I-It... it wants me to-- t-to say... s-something.

[It's been a while since he's checked in, made sure people knew he hadn't vanished, but there is nothing to say.

The feed remains set on Xanth's arm.]

I'm... o-okay. I'm s--still here.

A-Are... are you guys... o-okay, too?

[He heard that crack some days ago. No one has called for help on the journals, so no one was hurt in the expedition that came after, and no one had been hurt during the initial bang.

Or so he hopes.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[His smile grows wider at the shoulder-bump, but then disappears entirely at her question. For a few seconds, Xanth doesn't reply; he just peels his orange.

Then, honestly:]

I... I-I don't know. I, I-I should be, i-it was-- w-weeks ago, b-but...

[He trails off, biting his lip.]

Oh...

[She had thought maybe he'd lost a friend. Well, he had lost a friend, hadn't he? She was the one who had insisted that he and Riku were friends. Still, she hadn't guess that it was this that was upsetting him.

And part of her wasn't really willing to talk about it. It had been awful. But Riku was back. That was all that mattered.]

I didn't know. I should have talked to you about it.

I'm sorry.

[Xanth shrugs one shoulder.]

N-No, it's, i-it's not... your f--fault. D-Don't... don't worry.

[His issues were not Kairi's problems. In fact, he would rather not speak of them at all, but she is so hard to lie to. And weeks of solitude hadn't helped, so maybe talking would?

But not to Kairi. No. She couldn't know that Xanth, not the sickness, had taken Riku's life.]

[But she does worry.

Because Riku had said that Varric had changed.

And Riku had been infected too.]

Xanth? What happened?

[She should never have left.]

Did he hurt you?

[Xanth drops his head with a small, mirthless laugh.]

N-No, no, he... h-he didn't. H-He was... w-way too... sick t--to do anything.

[Xanth has stopped peeling his orange. Instead, he absentmindedly tears at what rind he has peeled.]

[He laughed. That isn't funny. She can't understand.]

I should have stayed with him.

[When he was so sick and hurting.]

I should have been there...

[When he died.]

[Xanth cringes.]

N-No, it's...

[Death is ugly. There's blood, seizing, choking breaths, and their eyes... Xanth will not forget the sight of Riku's dead eyes. No matter Riku's cause of death, Xanth is glad that Kairi didn't see it.

Now, he swallows hard.]

H-He wasn't... he... w-wasn't a-- alone. I-I was-- I... I-I s--stayed with him.

Maybe, I could have helped.

[She doesn't really believe it. And she doesn't know which she likes less, that she could and did nothing, or that she was helpless yet again.]

Did it hurt him?

[She would regret asking. She needs to know.]

[Xanth's throat tightens.]

Y...Yeah.

I-I don't... I don't know if-- i-if he... r-remembers. He was... h-he... he was r-really, really s--sick...

[Her hands clench into fists in her knees and she stares down at them.]

I know.

[He was dying.]

Xanth? Thanks.

[Xanth shakes his head.]

D-Don't, don't thank me. [His voice cracks; the guilt is nigh overwhelming.] Don't. I--I-I didn't-- do a-anything worth-- w-worth thanking me f--for.

[She looks up at him, confusion written all over her face. Did she say something wrong?]

You stayed.

[Which was more than she'd done.]

You were there when... He needed you.

K-Kairi, I... I...

[Xanth is not yet crying, but there's a lump in his throat and his eyes prickle. He takes in a shudderimg breath, and then his voice drops to a whisper.]

I-I k...k-killed him.

[She looks away, nods.]

I wondered.

[Her voice is as soft as his, and thick. But she cried so much in quarantine. She's past the point of tears.]

Why?

[There's no anger, no judgment. Her middle feels like it's taken a blow from a pillow rather than a solid fist that steals her breath away. She's felt the latter before. Why is this different?

Is it because she'd already thought about it? Already cried? Already wrung out her anger and fear while trapped alone waiting to see if she too had caught the disease?

She doesn't know.

But still, it feels like an important question. She feels like she should know.]

He-- h-he was-- he was sick, h-he was-- d-dying, he... he thought... he th-thought he'd-- turn or, or s-something...

[Xanth sweeps his hair behind his ear, but it all falls back into his face. He doesn't move it again.]

S-So he... he... he a--asked me to. A-And I... I--I... did.

[Kairi's fists twitch where they still sit, clenched in her knees. She can't thank him again. She'll only upset him. She can't thank him, not for killing her friend. But she can't let him hurt like this. Not when Riku asked him to. Not when Riku needed him to and she couldn't.

She couldn't have done it. She couldn't have done anything. And so it had to be Xanth.

Without word or warning, she leaned sideways to hug him. Oranges tumbled from her lap and rolled across the floor.]

I'm sorry.

Wh-- what?

[Xanth pulls away and finally, finally, looks Kairi in the eyes.]

N-No, I, I--I k-killed Riku, a-and you're-- y-you're ap--pologizing to-- to me?

He was dying.

[It hurts to say it. But she doesn't look away.]

You had to.

[Riku had asked him too.]

I couldn't.

[And he had known. It was why he hadn't asked her.]

I couldn't have done it. I couldn't have fought him even if I was strong enough. He's my best friend. I'm supposed to be there for him and I couldn't.

[She's supposed to be their light. And she couldn't do anything.]

So you had to.

And I'm sorry, Xanth.

[Kairi was right. Every word that came out of her mouth was absolutely right. Kairi couldn't have done it; Ironhide couldn't have done it; it had to be Xanth. And Xanth knows this, he's thought long and hard and he knows this, but it still feels wrong.

Xanth sets the orange and its scraps aside, then leans forward and puts his head in his hands.]

B-But it's not... i-it's not your f-fault...

Well, it isn't anyone's fault.

[Not really. Sometimes, things just happen.]

I wish it hadn't happened, any of it.

But, Riku's okay. And me. We wouldn't be, if you hadn't been there.

[She would have stayed with Riku until the zombies came for her. She would have stayed until he turned.]

Y-You... You'd've c-come back. E...E-Everyone does...

[This is not to say death is without meaning; Xanth died once, and gods, it rattled him. But Xanth is... bitter. He's bitter and he's tired and right now, he'd have a hard time seeing the bright side of the sun.]

[It takes a moment for the strike to sting. But sting it does, and Kairi withdraws. She folds her hands in her lap again.

She can't look at him.

Is he hurting so much that he'd say something like that?]

What do you mean?

[Maybe she was misunderstanding him.]

[The withdrawal is the only clue Xanth needs to realize what a terrible thing that was to say. He bolts upright, gaze snapping to Kairi.]

I--I didn't-- I-I didn't mean--

[But what didn't he mean? People do come back; Kairi would have come back.

But Kairi would have died.]

... I-- I don't know.

[Once again, his posture sags, and he drops his gaze. He's not thinking is the problem, but can he even think, with all these thoughts clouding his mind?]

I-I'm, I'm sorry, I-I just-- I just wish... n-none of that e--ever happened...

So do I!

[She stops. She hadn't meant to sound so forceful.]

I can't let it hurt me any more.

[Riku's alive. Riku remembers. She'll never let him see how losing him again had affected her. She has to be strong.]

I was so angry at you before, when I was in quarantine. I thought you killed him. I blamed you both for making me leave before... He died. I thought I was sick too and I didn't know what they'd do with me.

[If they'd kill her.]

But then I thought that would be okay, if I was sick, as long as you and Riku were okay.

[She had cried for days. Not sobbing, just unable to keep her eyes from weeping.]

I don't want to feel like that again.

[She glares at the floor. She knows she didn't misunderstand. His reaction was enough to tell her that. He had meant it.

But she didn't want to be angry at him.

And she didn't want him to be angry at himself.]

[He flinches when she snaps, and then curses himself for being so damned pathetic. So she was angry. She was hurt and betrayed and now, Xanth is pulling all those half-buried feelings to the surface again.

And though it's deeply layered in guilt, some small, dark place inside Xanth is satisfied by her upset.]

Y-You... You shouldn't... h-have to. I'm-- I-I'm glad you're o--okay, really, I, I--I am. I'm-- I'm sorry. I just...

[He's just babbling.

He sets his elbows on his knees, then takes a deep breath and rubs his face. His words muffled, he adds finally,]

I'm... j-just not as-- as s-strong as I sh...should be.

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]

[Commentlog]